Crimes Against Food

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Tooper has been contemplating the subject of food with friends and he has noted that whilst people seem to get reasonably animated about their food favourites, it pales into insignificance when compared to their discussion of their food nightmares.

For the record, below Tooper lists a few of his own personal food bete noires.

  • The Bagel – Can there be anything more pretentious  he argues, than the urban foodie, sniffing disdainfully at baguettes, suddenly extolling the virtues of a supposedly bread-based product … as dense as a room full of Page Three girls … with a texture akin to a by-product of the cavity-foam-insulation industry … and with all the mouth watering properties of a paper-towel?  With or without cream cheese?  And with a hole in the middle that the filling spills through?
  • The Brussels Sprout – Just who was the bright spark who first decided that no Christmas dinner could be complete without the ubiquitous Brussels Sprout … and is there anything more futile than trying to make them more interesting? (TV chefs take note!)  Whilst it could just about be argued that these little shits of a vegetable are tolerable during the winter months (and incidentally, aren’t half bad in ‘bubble and squeak’ – thank you, TV chef!), what sadistic son-of a bitch dictated that we had to include them in the binge-fest that is the Christmas lunch?  Surely our already bloated digestive systems deserve better than to have these noxious little gas bombs added to the mix?
  • Pretzels  – What’s the point?  Do they even qualify as food?
  • The Hot Dog – Nothing can be more guaranteed to make our Tooper gag than this meat based product.  And don’t even get him started on the urban myths concerning what unmentionable parts of what animals make up the mechanically separated meat trimmings and fat that constitutes this unnaturally pink, slimy textured treat!  In truth, Tooper finds the whole experience unnerving.

N.B.  Just a little after-thought on the hot dog.  Tooper is imagining a scenario where you have a Korean friend staying and with whom you are strolling through New York whilst debating dubious cultural eating habits involving the consumption of dog meat … and you suggest your guest tries a delicious chili dog!