It’s Beyond Our Control Jim

Hi Everyone

Profuse apologies but due to circumstances beyond our control we are not able to do our normal Commytooper postings and musings this week. This is the first time ever  that we cannot bring you the sideways look at life according to Tommy and Cooper, as well as the Cartoon girls and boys.

Check back for progress but in the meantime please feel free to have a good look back through the archives. Commy and Tooper have always had an opinion that’s worth reading and of course our original cartoons are wordplay puns at their finest.

See you all again very shortly.

The Commytooper team

 

 

 

Lottery Of Life

Commy has been pondering on the twist of fate that dictates the family people are born into.  Because at no point does anyone get a choice about the physical traits they inherit, do they?   Aren’t we all simply handed a fait accompli!

Sadly, we also feel sure that at some point, well meaning and inordinately proud fathers have probably been flashing baby photos around the office, oblivious to the hidden messages in the desperately positive comments coming from colleagues.  ‘He really does have your hair/teeth/ears‘, they agree non specifically.  Which would of course, be fine if father’s hair/teeth/ears were not respectively: frizzy, protruding and sticky outy!

Commy feels that it is only when people reach their teenage years, that the true extent of the unfairness of it all really hits home.  When they survey their congenitally squat, lanky, or ‘sturdy’ fellow family members and realise that in the gene pool lottery of life, fate has dealt them, not the winning ticket they were hoping for, but only a discarded scratchcard.  So that no matter how much they scrimp and save, workout or diet, they will never ever come close to making that shortlist for celebrity abs/rear of the year.

So, how do these also-rans console themselves, Commy wonders?  Hard as it may be to pull some positives out of this frankly unjust situation, he has made a valiant effort:-

  • They get to marry for love.  Because let’s face it, what multi-millionaire/ess is suddenly going to give them the option to do otherwise, right?
  • There’s no pressure to pass on the perfect gene to their offspring.  After all, no midwife will ever look at their newborn, ask who the parents are and visibly wince.  Instead they will simply hand over the baby ‘clone’ and say, ‘this child is obviously yours’.
  • No-one is ever likely to sell a ‘kiss and tell’ story to the tabloids about them.
  • They can save a fortune on all those painful but necessary waxing, plucking, botox or liposuction treatments required to keep the ‘lucky ones’ all buffed up and pristine
  • They get to grow old gracefully and never get asked to sponsor retirement communities and/or Stannah Lifts standing next to a cardboard cut-out of them in their ‘glorious heyday’.

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Great Food Groups

Tooper and friends have been discussing two of their favourite topics: rock groups and food.

And, during a late-night alcohol fuelled conversation, as these things usually do, it turned into a challenge to come up with a composite list of ‘rock groups as food’ list.

Now whilst Tooper applauded some of the more obvious suggestions; Bread, Meatloaf, Cream and The Black-Eyed Peas etc, he felt that, having picked off some very lowest hanging fruit, a little more imagination and effort was required to ‘push the envelope’.

Here are some of the suggestions he felt deserving of a mention:-

  • Limp Bizkit
  • Foo(d) Fighters
  • Mango Jerry
  • Ma(ca)roon 5
  • Cod Stewart
  • Wings (BBQ’d obviously)
  • Fleetwood (Big) Mac
  • Bon(bon) Jovi
  • (S)mashing Pumpkins
  • Martha and the (English) Muffins …

…and two of his own personal favourites…

  • The Rolling Scones
  • Buns & Roses

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Co-habitee Compatibility Test

Commy and friends have been discussing whether the powers that be should compile a mandatory compatibility test for couples wishing to embark on the difficult journey that is cohabitation.

Now much as Commy agrees that soaring relationship breakdown rates are to be avoided at all costs, he also firmly believes that any test that shines a full unflinching beam on a couple’s differences would be very much like the infamous Zustava Yugo car.  A definite non-starter.  After all, didn’t someone once say,’ isn’t it better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are about to pass your life?’

Using the seven most ‘toxic’ topics for causing marital disharmony, Commy gives below a few examples:-

FINANCES

  • Her:  ‘I have a little nest egg put by and we hope to invest in some ISA’s and take out a private pension plan in the future.’
  • Him:  Can I afford to renew both my football season ticket and gym membership without cutting into my poker winnings?

CHILDREN (given that the estimated cost of raising one to adulthood is currently £200,000 plus)

  • Her : ‘One of each would be nice.’ 
  • Him:  ‘HOW MUCH?  Couldn’t we make do with one and split the difference on a Ferrari?’

HOUSEHOLD RESPONSIBILITIES

  • Her:  ‘We share everything.’
  • Him:  ‘Household responsibilities?  You mean like remembering the alarm code?’

SEX & INTIMACY

  • Her: ‘He’s so sweet … sometimes he just wants to hold me.’
  • Him: ‘OK, the game’s finished …’

RELIGION/SPIRITUALITY

  • Her:  ‘I could never marry a man who didn’t share and respect my spirituality.’
  • Him:  ‘What do you mean, watching sport is not a spiritual experience!’

FRIENDS & FAMILY

  • Her:  ‘I’d like my parents to spend one weekend a month with us and for us to spend every Christmas holiday with them …’
  • Him: ‘I’ve got the wooden stake, now does it need to be fresh garlic?’

LIFE GOALS/VISION

  • Her (sighing and tearful):  ‘I want us to have a long, happy life together before retiring somewhere by the sea.’
  • Him (sighing and tearful): ‘Maybe we can make the play-offs this year.’

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Consider Yourself Conned

Tooper and friends have recently been discussing what would be the easiest route to making a living as a con-artist and decided that without banking experience, ‘old school tie’ connections or political ambitions, the only other possibility was to become a psychic.

And, given that there appear to be so many people lining up to part so easily with their hard earned cash, Tooper prepared the following ad to kick-off his money-spinning bandwagon :-

Intuitive conman seeks vulnerable, gullible people (with cash) for gentle probing followed by long term (lucrative…well for me anyway!) relationship leading to self fulfilling prophecy.

Then, having raked in the money, the only difficulty would be in ‘interpreting’ messages from ‘beyond the grave’ for his clients.  Tooper imagines hosting a seance and relating the following exchange from the spirit world :-

“The after-life isn’t quite how I imagined it.  For a start we had to pay to get in and last night we were kept awake half the night by Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor arguing … then Keith Moon started his drumming practice.  This morning we woke up to a ground frost and later we’ve got some temperamental chef doing a cookery demonstration.”

Followed by his translation:-

  • ‘we had to pay to get in’ So, there really is hell to pay!
  • ‘Richard and Elizabeth arguing’ Hell it seems, does hath no fury!
  • ‘Keith Moon drumming practice’ – Neighbour from hell!
  • ‘woke up to a ground frost’Apparently hell really does freeze over?
  • ‘temperamental chef doing a cookery demonstration’Hell’s Kitchen, obviously!

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Nuts and Bolts

Research on the subject of men who trade on (and hope to enhance) their ‘best asset’ has been an eye opener for Commy, in more ways than one.

Would you believe there are two methods of penile enhancement?

  1. Surgery and … wait for it …
  2. DIY!

Now, while Commy feels there may be a time and place for being thrifty, this is definitely not one of them.   One poor unfortunate apparently decided to throw caution to the wind and came up with the bright idea of screwing a rather large nut onto his ‘bolt’.  His thinking apparently, was that the weight of the nut … over time …

Unfortunately during the tricky attachment process, nature took its course and suffice to say, there were stirrings!  Is there nothing that will halt the unstoppable force that is an erection, muses Commy? Thus our hapless fellow, in trying to avoid the cost and pain of surgery, managed only to ensure that surgery was precisely what he got.

One final thought; it is not recorded for posterity how he got to the hospital. Public transport was presumably out of the question due to all those tricky automatic doors!  Commy hopes that if he did try to make it on foot … he did not pass anything magnetic on the way.  It would be the ultimate indignity in what had already been a very bad day.

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